Father bore me of the bellows Woke me by night to beat me Stroke by stroke Drew a fire Beat me Turned me over Beat again
And father told me I was incomplete
He took me outside The wind didn't whistle like I thought it would The birds didn't sing No rain weeping a rat-a-tat rally No crickets pulling their bows Father bathed me Father drowned me
And father told me I was the silver child
Father hammered out the dents Lonely twangs belted against an angry anvil Father sheathed me in gold Pretended I was pure The first son not to shatter The first son not to be sold
Wow. it freaked me out at first because I thought it was a real child. Then I got to the silver and gold part and was like... waaaaaaait a minute. So I read it again as a sword and it's super cool. I love how you did that little twist. The repetition of the "father told me" line was really nicely done, too.
Still, this is the best part: "He took me outside The wind didn't whistle like I thought it would The birds didn't sing No rain weeping a rat-a-tat rally No crickets pulling their bows Father bathed me Father drowned me"
It's almost like a song at this point, with the sound of the rain, the repetition of "Father... me"
The first draft was AWFUL but I like it like this. Like I said in a previous comment, some of the students in my class thought they needed to call protective services. XD A few people got it immediately though. Fantasy fans I guess. XD
Thanks starshine. <3
Still, this is the best part:
"He took me outside
The wind didn't whistle like I thought it would
The birds didn't sing
No rain weeping a rat-a-tat rally
No crickets pulling their bows
Father bathed me
Father drowned me"
It's almost like a song at this point, with the sound of the rain, the repetition of "Father... me"
I have goose bumps now. Thank you!
The first draft was AWFUL but I like it like this. Like I said in a previous comment, some of the students in my class thought they needed to call protective services. XD A few people got it immediately though. Fantasy fans I guess. XD
MASTERPIECE!
HURRAH!